Of all the dates on the calendar, none warms the heart and soul as much as Christmas. I understand this fact may be disputed by many non-believers, but who takes into account the opinion of a dirty heathen? Yes, the truly enlightened understand the sanctity of this great day that our Lord and Savior was born, and celebrate accordingly by decorating their premises with flashing lights and by bashing half the life out of elderly women to grab the last "Tickle Me Elmo." This truly is the one holiday that brings out the most valuable of assets in man: his generosity (followed in close second by his credit card). Yet if one looks closely, one can see a fine scratch on the Porsche performance automobile of Christmas, a small crevice slowly eroding away everything we hold dear until there is nothing left. We are all left in the dark on the night of Christmas eve, but to uncover this blemish on our most holy of calendar dates, one must only into the devilish red glow of Rudolph's red nose. Santa Claus is the most sinister threat to Christmas that we have ever faced.

Santa is a figure best known for his enormous girth and his incredible record of breaking and entering. Clad in a thick, woolly beard, he quickly goes to work placing mysterious packages in the dens of innocent Americans. It becomes obvious why his only form of transportation is his reindeer-driven sled, no airport with half a mind for security would allow this "jolly fat man" into the air or even past the luggage check in. Always watching us, he knows when we're most vulnerable: when we are asleep. If given this description under any other name, we would cringe in terror, a quite justified action, Yet this record is sanitized by the legend of the man to the point that his illegal exploits are chronicled in many a television special. We must drop this double standard and recognize the man as the dangerous outlaw he is. Is the myth enough to justify his behavior, to allow our personal dwellings to be violated by his presence every Christmas eve? To find that answer, we must examine his story and filter out the filthy details of his dark nature.

One could argue that the most prominent feature of Santa Claus is his weight. Santa is known across the world as being a very "husky" man whose belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly when he laughs. The wording in these old tales paints a picture of a jolly, fun loving man who "takes life in to its fullest." This is really just a nice way to say that Santa Claus is a man of excess, a person who doesn't understand that too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Famous figures such as Chris Farley and Mama Cass learned this the hard way, but Santa spits in the eye of moderation and teaches our kids one thing: a man can live solely on a steady diet of milk and cookies. In such a culture of excess, should we really be pushing these ideas on to our children? It's no wonder the obesity epidemic has hit so hard in America with such a role model showing kids that their health is less important than their desires.

Santa, as a role model, also reinforces in our children such antiquated and immoral practices as slavery. Inside Santa's workshop at the north pole, or rather inside Santa's sweat shop, lie his short-statured workforce, the elves. There they spend their lives in an assembly line, hammering out toys for little children who have no idea that their presents are the result of the blood and sweat of uncompensated workers. Why is it that only the elves do the work? Why is it that the workload of a person in Santa's domain is decided by that person's height? It would seem that Santa's own bias and prejudice against little people has created a twisted manufacturing scheme outlawed in most civilized parts of the world, yet glorified in front of the eyes of children.

And what of the toys Santa produces? There is no "Santa Claus" brand name. There is no "Santa Claus" trademark. There are no original toys manufactured by Santa's northern plantation. Santa Claus is the greatest of pirates, easily breaking international copyright laws by producing knock-off brand-name toys in his workshop and delivering them free of charge to the greedy children of the world. How are companies such as Nintendo or Hasbro supposed to make a profit when their supplies are being undercut by an obese old man with zero production costs? We can see that Santa has nothing to immediately gain from this other than the destruction of capitalism. Santa Claus is the ultimate communist propagandist, assaulting the corporate entities with free facsimiles for the people stored in his big red sack, sailing through the air in a big red suit, led by the bright red nose of his lead reindeer.

Yet Santa's political affiliation should be the least of our worries. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, could this kind of obsessive behavior with children lead to something far more sinister? Already Santa sits in malls across the country, begging children to "sit in his lap" and "tell him what they want," all while pictures are taken of the entire occasion. We've already seen these things get out of hand with our most degenerative pop-stars, so why do we allow someone with a much higher influence than the one-gloved wonder himself such unrestricted access to our precious children? We wouldn't let our children accept presents from strange forty year old men leaning out the side of a rusty van, nor should we allow Santa to buy our children's trust with candy and toys.

And we must remember what Santa asks in exchange for his presents. Santa appoints himself as the judge of humanity when he makes his list and checks it twice. Who is this fat old slave master to tell us what is right or wrong? This is just another example of his attempts of acceptance for his sick ways. He perverts our children's minds by enforcing the evils he represents with those cheap plastic rewards. He frightens the public into submission under the threat of coal and switches. He only works to perpetuate himself and his views of what is right or wrong, and as you have seen, these views are very much off base. We must not allow this old red megalomaniac to taint our children's minds with false ideas of good and evil.

As you may have noticed, I've asked a lot of questions in this essay. Hopefully, you will realize that these are all the questions you should have been asking yourself. It isn't too late, Santa Claus can be stopped. All it takes is a little effort and a slick roof. So you better not cry. You better not pout. You better get ready, because Santa Claus is coming to town.

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A humorous essay from a while back. You can read the whole thing right here.